Conflicted is the word I would use to sum up how I’ve been feeling the past few weeks. I recently got a concerning result on a medical test. The typical response to a result like this would probably be negative, and filled with worry. And while there is that aspect, as someone who has been dealing with chronic pain for the last 3 years with no answers it was somewhat of a relief. Like it’s reassuring- there is something really wrong in my body- I’m not making it up, it’s real. There is proof on paper, my body is not functioning correctly. But then it hits me- this could be serious.
On Thursday I’m being admitted to hospital for a procedure for further testing to see if they can work out what has caused this concerning test result.
Let me tell you, I’m scared. Terrified. The waiting is torturous. There is one part of me that really wants them to find something, something that I can attribute my symptoms to. But I also don’t want to find out that I’ve got a serious health issue.
I’m not used to getting answers, when I go for a test, I rarely expect anything to come of it. But this has kind of caught me off guard.
A few days ago, I was looking through my collection of photos, for the perfect one to post to instagram when I came across this one. I really love this photo, I like the cool tones and interesting textures, but after looking at it, I began to realise how much this photo represents how I’m feeling at the moment.
Now you will come to learn, I’m a bit of a deep thinker, I like philosophy and interpreting meanings from things… I just think a lot (sometimes to my own detriment!).
I realised, the churning water and moody tones- perfectly some up the uneasy conflicted feelings I’m experiencing. And the harsh lines of the fence represent the sense of imprisonment I feel waiting for the results. Trapped in limbo.
This has been all that has been on my mind recently and has been having a massive impact so I thought why not share it- after all, this is what I want to be able to do, talk about my experiences in hope that someone else feeling similarly finds this.
I must admit, I’m a bit worried I will post this and I will go in to hospital tomorrow and things will come back all clear and I will look like an idiot. That I will have put too much hope into getting some answers and it turns out it this initial test result is just a red herring. It’s really difficult trying to find the right balance of hope. After all the experiences I’ve had with doctors telling me I’m faking it, I prepare myself for no answers.
Doubt is a big thing I struggle with. I doubt my own experiences after being told I’m making things up or it’s all in my head. I’m doubting whether this test result I received was even mine and that maybe they got mixed up in the lab. And despite a significant worsening in my symptoms, it’s hard to acknowledge them because I’m so afraid that I will talk about all these new symptoms and how they could be related to this test result and it will turn out that there is nothing that shows on these further tests and I’m just “making things up.”
But I’m going to post this because I think it’s an accurate insight of dealing with chronic illness no matter what comes from these tests. There are a lot of unknowns and a lot of waiting, and I’m not sure if that’s something many people are aware of that people with chronic illness struggle with.
So I’ll be anxiously awaiting these results, I’m not sure what the real “positive result” will be I just have to go with it.